This morning I really actually tried to narrow down the goals of life. In a totally general way that seems virtually impossible, but I did. It took me some time to somewhat understand the order that I put them in, but I found one.
If I’m rooted in God’s word than I can bear fruit and be shade. I seek companionship because I fear self destruction. It’s pretty simple, and I feel confident those are the only two things I need.
It always seems like my mind is wondering off into the distance of time and I find myself in different times. It never seems to fail that I come back to thinking about girls. I look over my shoulder and see a slightly familiar face and wish it was some specific.
Course it’s not thought, why would that person be in the same town in same building half way across the country? That’s when I realize that I’m just hopeful and wish for things that aren’t here.
I’m not dicoutaged to think it’s not possible but I’m deffinitely a day dreamer.
I was thinking about all the things that I do on a daily basis that I need repentece for, and in that thought realized I never realy ask for forgivness.
Day in and day out I go through the motions of life all the while never recognizing the things that seperate me from God. Most lilely all the things that keep me from growing. I’m quite calous to my own actions and the effects they have on me.
Honestly I think I’ve pushed away from looking at the things that cause hardness of heart in order to keep my sanity. The thought is that if I pay attention to all my sins than all I see are my sins, and that becomes my focus. “Why repent when I’m just going to do it again.”
A potters clay can’t be molded when it’s dry and stiff. Yet sanity seems more acceptable when I don’t pay attention.
How is it that I can have a heart of repentence if I’m not willing to accept the things that I do. When I come face to face with Jesus and he asked me about my sins how can I repent if I don’t care about weather or not I’ve sinned. I think the result will that there is no forgivness.
So my question is, where is the motivation and drive to bag my sin and bring it befor God, rather than leave it in a closet with the rest of my sin. I guess it’s like throwing trash on the floor. Eventually it will accumulate and it will be impossable to miss, and it will become apparent to every one that I litter where ever I wish and care nothing about the consiquences.
But having repentence is having freedom. It’s more than just having a clean floor it’s streaching your arms out with nothing to hide. At that point it becomes a matter of having a clean soul and that will reflect in my life, because I wear my feelings on my shoulder.
So if my motivation is to be free than my thought is to recognize my actions. Take action and take control. There is a re-ocuring theme that has been rolling around in my head. (and maybe it’s just me) Weak mind and weak willed, that is our generation. But it’s not true, it’s just a deception, because we are usually tricked into thinking that we are weak when we are actually strong.
So with strong mind and a strong will I will own my trash and take it before God asking him to get ride of it, because he said he would.
There are days where I really just feel odd at church. Times where it’s as if some how every one can see every little movement I make, I know it’s not true but it feels that way all the same.
It really all depends on weather or not I can even focus on what’s being said that day, but for the most part i seem to drift off into space and think about all types of randomness. Much like the consistency of this post.
This girl in front of me raised her hand and I got a good look at it and remembered how gentle women are, but also how long it’s been since I’ve held hands. Simple pleasures lost in routine become so apparent when their gone. (or when their out for a season)
The more I sit by myself the more I realize that I’m more alone than I’ve been in a long time. But God some how keeps reminding me to look outward and upward.
I am really good at noticing my self and I find that most of the time there are better things right in front of my face.
Sometimes it just seems that I think about the things I miss more than the things I have. And as much as Id like to look in the right direction I can’t aways tell which way is toward.
There are many things I’ll never forget but there are some that may fade. As it would turn out I’m getting older and my sense of age isn’t getting older.
The other day i asked out a girl that was really cute and definitely worth asking, but as it turns out she’s only 20. Damn it!!! I finally get the guts to ask out a girl and she’s a freaking decade younger than me.
Live and learn I guess but damn it all the same. I’ll never forget when I realized that I was to old to ask out just any one.
Here is another thing I’ll never forget, much like the smile of that girl.
Sometimes it not just about what someone believes when you sit down to a conversation about God. Sometimes you just have to keep your mouth shut. I don’t think I should always keep my mouth shut, but sometimes I think I might be more of a person who puts doubts in peoples minds than hope.
I know I’m a sceptic and I want to know what’s really going on. The conversation moved into how this guy liked to see the sports guys giving God credit for their touch down or win. I turned and said, “well thats nice but how truthful is it.
I guess my beef lies in the fact that our society is so based on what we see and what we perceive that I’m always wondering how true is something. I don’t go around openly proclaiming Gods wonders and blessing out in public because when I stub my toe I tend to freak out and blurt out a loud “FUCK!!” then I look around to see if there are any kids. hopefully not
My point of my horrible train of thought is that I’m curious about how far our country will go before it self destructs. Self righteousness and pride can fill a nation like it fills a person, and bam one day things all just fall apart. Hope is lost and chaos can take over.
I’m honestly beginning to wonder how many hotdogs a person can eat before they die. I but you can eat a lot, I mean they have those contest where people eat a shit load of hotdogs and they win money and all that. So, I figure that I can probably live off of them for a while. at least until I start to make some real money.
At the very least I know I wont die, but I think it’s inevitable that if you eat enough hotdogs you’re going to find at least one that is bad. Then it’s pukeville for the next 24hrs. I just don’t like puking. Puking is probably the worst thing ever.
So I went to an interview today for and apartment with a girl who has a two bedroom townhouse. It’s a small little place, but think it will cool.
There was only one real rule I had apart from the obvious rules about crack addicts and people who put their babies in dumpsters and things like that. The rule was if I thought see was cute than I shouldn’t live there.
Maybe it’s better said that if I though I would want to date this girl than I shouldn’t live there. Well I can’t say I really followed that rule very well. I think I could date this girl if I had a chance to meet her, but now I’m going to be living in the same house so I guess it’s inevitable that I’ll get to know her.
Apart from the little boy crush I might have, she is really cool and I think we’ll get along well. Honestly I’m really happy to be living so close to downtown. I’m excited.